Cheating

Lance Armstrong is putting the spotlight on cheating in sports this week.  So what better time to talk about my favorite golf course cheaters as well?

The Fluffer--Also known as the "Rollover Guy".  He believes that Winter Rules apply all year-round, regardless of condition.  My friend Kevin and I used to play league with a guy that was a world-class fluffer.  He'd do the "look around" to see if anyone was looking at him--then he would use his clubface to nudge the ball into a slightly better lie--even if there was nothing wrong with where it had originally was.  I took particular pride in always finding a way to beat that guy all five times we had to play him.

The Stroke Forgetter--Also known as "Put Me Down For A.... Guy"  Sometimes people can actually forget a stroke or two--especially on a hole that may have involved some penalties or drops.  But then there are the guys who intentionally skip a few.  My response is usually "You sure about that?"  That is invariably followed by the "point and recreate" process of "I drove it over there, then I took a drop, then I hit it over there, then I went in the bunker, then I blasted over there, then I chipped on, then I three putted.  So yeah, I guess it was a 9".  I always give them a fake concerned face and say "I just want to make sure you don't get DQ'ed."  For some reason, they never say "Thanks, man."

The Rule Ignorer--I don't pretend to know every rule in the book.  I never get a perfect score on the USGA annual rules quiz.  But I do carry the book in my bag at all times for immediate reference.  This stems from the Fox Cities Amateur about six years ago when one of my fellow competitors hit a tee ball that plugged inside a lateral water hazard.  He INSISTED that he was allowed to unplug the ball and drop within the hazard again.  I told him there is no way you are allowed any type of relief from inside a hazard without penalty.  I even told him to play two balls and we would have the pro make a ruling at the end.  Well he insisted he was entitled free relief and played it that way.  So the round ends and he wants to sign his card and turn it in.  I suggested we go to the pro and get a ruling--he refused, so I went to the pro myself and just asked what the rule is.  He sided with me and called the other guy over--which led to a profanity-laced tirade and a WD because this is "Bullshit".

The Pickup Artist--Somehow, these guys have never actually holed out--unless they have rolled in a long putt or chipped in.  I'll allow you some gimmes--but to not even wait for me to concede? 

The Sandbagger--Of all the guys on this list, by far this is my least favorite.  I can think of only one competitive round in my entire life--an 81 at Monroe Country Club in a Net Partners Qualifier with an 18-course handicap when I made about two miles of putts--where I have had a "career round" in a tournament or league.  Yet, in every tournament I play there is one guy who shoots double digits below his handicap.  Case in point: the State Net Amateur the second year it was held, a 32-handicapper shoots an 85 in the first round.  Really?  Needless to say, his 103 the next day still gave him an 8-shot victory.  Or the guy at the Oshkosh City Tournament four years ago that shot a 68 on day one in the B flight.  You're a 14-handicap and you shoot two under?  This of course leads the rest of us to go to the handicap system to check out their scores.  You always find they've got scores to justify the handicap--but the number of rounds--and the gaps between them--never seem to add up to what you know they are actually playing during the season.

Are any of the offenses above comensurate with taking steroids and blood treatments and lying about it for decades and threatening to ruin anyone who accuses you of cheating and publicly discrediting anyone who speaks the truth--all while reaping millions in winnings and endorsements?  No.  But golf has always held itself to a higher standard than cycling.